When I Realized "I'm Alone"
My husband, Jared, is out of town this week for work. This Sunday we will be married 6 months. It doesn’t feel like that long or really even seem that long in the grand scheme of things. However, that didn’t stop me from not being able to sleep last night without his body next to mine, realizing I was very alone in a very big city. I struggled to sleep all night turning on the light, making sure a weapon was close by, thinking there was someone in my room even though I locked all the doors including my bedroom.
See, I struggled with fear a lot when I was younger. I didn’t sleep in my own room soundly until I was 13 years old and a freshman in high school. When I moved out into my own apartment with a roommate, that was a big deal in my life. When I lived in my apartment by myself when my roommates moved out, that was a bigger deal for me. Then I got married and didn’t have to worry about being alone anymore. I didn’t even realize how dependent I was becoming; how content I had become.
Contentment can become regression.
Sure, Jared is my protector. But, he’s not my main Protection. Jared leads me. But he’s not my main Leader.
I think it’s easy to become comfortable where you are in life because you have other physical things to put your mind at ease. It can be a pet, a friend, food, a drink, a city, money, social media. It can be anything that makes you think, “I’m safe. I’m loved. I’m uplifted.” Until all the things you’ve learned, all the steps you’ve taken to grow are slowly being undermined by the mindset that you’re taken care of by something or someone other than God. It’s sneaky. It’s slow. It’s crafty.
“I’m all set. I’ve grown. I’m good.” Then before you know it, whatever you’ve been leaning on is wiped out from under you, and you’re back to square one learning all over again to lean on the One who helped you in the beginning. Your pet dies, your health declines, your kids move out, your funds dry up, you realize you’re empty because what you’ve emotionally invested in is really a temporary facade.
It was a really good reminder to me to remember Who I should be grounded in and to not become so complacent that the thing I thought I had conquered crept back in when I was distracted.
Listen, here’s the thing, when your crutch breaks, it’s not necessarily a coincidence, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sure, it’s inevitable. But, I would say most of the time, it’s ordained. Before you go so far that you can’t recover emotionally, Grace sweeps in and breaks your fall. He sets your path straight, and places your gaze higher again.
Before that has to happen, think to yourself, what’s my crutch? What have I started to slide back on or into? You don’t have to wait for a nasty wake up call. Take inventory of your life in this moment and what you’ve surrounded yourself with. Make steps to remove the distraction or at least put it in it’s rightful place. Look for the pitfalls and then avoid them. All wrong things can be made right with the help of Jesus. You just have to remember that he’s there.
31 Therefore they shall eat the fruit of their own way,
And be filled to the full with their own fancies.
32 For the turning away of the simple will slay them,
And the complacency of fools will destroy them;
33 But whoever listens to me will dwell safely,
And will be secure, without fear of evil.”
21 For the shepherds have become dull-hearted,
And have not sought the Lord;
Therefore they shall not prosper,
And all their flocks shall be scattered.